Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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