I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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