i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
