Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
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Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
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Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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