and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
