now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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