So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
