i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
