at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
