i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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