This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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