I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
