Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
