obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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