If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
