Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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