My nipple is on Facebook.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There's always time for handjobs
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
