Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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