Apparently you make a good broom.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
