The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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