I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
