He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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