What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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