yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
