I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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