he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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