Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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