I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize