Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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