this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
