If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The best revenge is premature balding
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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