That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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