Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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