Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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