why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
