you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
