She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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