I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize