"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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