Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
