My boss' voice literally gives me gas
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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