this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
