Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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