I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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