I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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