happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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