so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
