Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
