either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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