His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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