Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
