just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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