My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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