Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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