she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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