it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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