You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
