no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
