dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
two words...techno handjob
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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