Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
